It's quite late. I'm incredibly tired. I decided I would write entries as much as possible so here I am.
I had a good day. I spent my entire afternoon outside with my two favourite people: my mom and brother. We accomplished a few errands, but what I loved most was our time spent together. I'm glad that we didn't spend as much time at home during my mom's day off because I think she needed a break from the unnecessary drama that occurs here on a regular basis. I wish I had enough energy to share the tid bits of the day, but I'm completely drained. It was outrageously humid outside today and there were a few times when I wanted to complain but this heat will be gone soon. My father's mood was also calm. I had pizza for breakfast, a McFlurry after years, bubble tea for the first time and pitae once we reached home. I later made myself some ramen with shrimp balls. It was good, but now I feel sick for not having eaten an actual meal all day. I will easily remember this day in my memory bank for years, simply because it was calm. I'm truly grateful.
I have to admit something though. I'm still awake because a feeling emerged earlier this evening. Loneliness. I felt driven to change my phone plan after I helped my brother find a new phone today. I figured that I should put more intiative and faith in the idea that I have people to actually interact with. Sometimes, my problems feel less self-absorbed and more common when I can actually talk about it or hear someone else out. So I paid my bill and I changed my plan to accomodate more discussion with others. Instead, upong trying to send a few text messages, I realized how enclosed my friend circle really was. I'm mostly friends with people I can't see in person easily. And even then, I'm afraid of interfering. I don't honestly know how they feel about me. I miss what I used to share with certain friends who were so much closer once. Now, I just feel alone. And for a few days, I was under the impression that this could all change. I could at least have a sole person other than my boyfriend to reach out to. It would help lessen his load to, if I reached out to others for once. Really though, there's no one there. I know about everyone's lives. I know what's going on and don't want to interfere. I just wonder sometimes if any of them wonder about what I'm upto, genuinely. I wonder if anyoen else other than Krishu ever wants to poke any questions or understand me better. Sometimes I feel that my family doesn't even care. And Krishu and I are polar opposites so discussion about common interests fall absolutely flat. I look to Tumblr for some kind of stimulation and sometimes to books, when I'm in the mood. Now, I have wanted to turn to music. Yet, for someone so obsessed with the human experience and others, why am I so empty and alone here? Stranded. You know, when I write in second person, I have the same people in mind again and again. After years, my love has not wavered. I don't know though, if I was seen then or if I'm seen now. And it's a horrible feeling because I shouldn't care to be seen by anyone else through the eyes of "love" other than my boyfriend -- sorry, fiance -- right? Maybe my presumptions have always been wrong. Love isn't so confined after all. Emotions don't simply adjust themselves to social conventions.
Another person is in town today and a part of me wants to make a gesture but another part of me is scared. I don't want to have to lie to see this person and I also am afraid to see them. The last day we saw each other, I left him in so much pain. I know we could be great friends. I know a lot of things as much as I've regretted. Perhaps it's best to swallow my pride and let everything take its own course. I don't want to cancel people out of my life simply because I'm "supposed" to get married. I also don't want to fool myself into thinking that I'm not engaged.
Well, all of this is in a day's work. The happiness earlier and the tears that have just passed. After such a long time, I can sit in the dark and in a quiet place in my mind and actually talk to myself. Quite honestly, I don't know if anything will turn out as expected. I don't even know what I actually want when anyone asks me that question (in any way). I just know that everything has its time. Maybe I'm a slow person. Maybe these things unfold slowly. Maybe I'm even being irrational, but I love you. I can say that. I can love graciously. I just wish it was acknowledged. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful partner. And yet, I wish someone outside of myself would tell me I'm here for a reason, I was purposeful to them, or that I have some redeemable quality.
Maybe tomorrow. Until then, good night.