Saturday, September 3, 2011

Fortunately, I had another relatively calm day. I didn't wake up at 6 AM today, as I've done for most Saturdays during the past month and a half. A tense conversation among my family members did arise earlier in the day but it eventually subsided after lunch. We had a good conversation about religion and God. Despite all of the wisdom I've steadily lost over the passed five years, I guess my deep setted interest for philosophical questions and religion still exists as an integral part of my internal self. The fact that I was stimulated by the conversation I shared with my parents and grandparents today really bridged a part of me I thought I lost. I haven't thought about my faith in quite awhile. Apparently, I still have strong beliefs and a load of questions to tackle before I can really give up on the great big endeavour that is my faith. Of course, I also appreciate how calm everyone becomes in pursuit of the bigger questions in life. I like how in this enclosed space, five seperate brains crunch for some type of expression or conclusion to mark their comfirmation of life and the human experience. These same five brains, any other day and in this exact same space, wouldn't be so calm. Yet, there they were and here we are. What else is being OK? I value this side to my family so much. I complain about so many other things that don't exist in my family, but I realize that this attribute isn't existent in all family situations. In a way, it's what makes being Indian and multi-ethnic/religious such a special gift. I've been given space to evaluate my faith and what I want to believe in. Of course, no one will appreciate it if I decide to marry a Muslim or convert to Christianity, but at least there is space in the form of faith. I don't have to blindly accept religious conventions and for the most part, it's OK. I mean, my parents always expect us to pray regularly and attend religious activities, but really, it's upto us. I think it should be. My relationship with God is my own and only I can determine which course it will take.

Krishu and I got along today. I should mention this for the record.

Early in the day, I decided I'd structure my day a certain way. I wanted to devote my energy toward studying and planning, but I spent my entire day doing other things instead. I looked up a lot of music, spent time with my parents & my brother. Was any of the time productive? Not really, but it was time well spent. I like being with my family because I realize how easily all of this time will pass and (unfortunately) this love won't be so readily accessible. Sure, there are webcams and awesome phone plans but there's nothing like going randomly to my brother and mother and doing a crazy monkey dance, at which they give make the most embarassed faces (amusing). That's a whole other type of love I will absolutely miss if and when I leave home. Let's not forget my father's talkative moments (it's funny in retrospect) and my grandparents' weird love for each other.

The feelings I felt last night are still there. I understand if people are busy but honestly, it doesn't take much to send a text or give a quick call. I want to be resentful but I can't be. I will lose all of my friends if I become upset over this. Everyone else is busy and quite honestly, I'm not! I can deal with this. However, I must note that at some point or another, my friends have to realize that I'm not a scapegoat that is pushed aside and pulled in when it's required. Of course, many people have stopped scapegoating or pulling me in, which hurts all the more. Nevertheless, this can only bother me as much as I let it. I really need to focus on a plan and make excuses to meet new people to become friends or acquaitances with. This loneliness that comes with adulthood is unbearable sometimes but I'm only going to remain an adult for as long as I live. I have to accept it and transform it to solitude when I can. Otherwise, I have to reach out with great effort and assume that all friendships won't be picture perfect. I wouldn't know, but I doubt friendships really are picture perfect.

Music helps. I'm suddenly ambitious to access a bunch of music I would've otherwise not listened to five years ago. It's hard to weave out music that fits my preferences though because I'm so picky, but after so long, I'm able to have fun with music. I spent a good portion of my night sat in bed with music blaring through my broken head phone as I tried my best to dance with half my body. When I'm left alone in the night, I'm left with all of this guilt I can hardly withstand. I want to go to sleep absolutely dead and heart broken by my own failures. If I willed it, I could easily cry myself to sleep night after night. I have for months. It's not worth it though and music helps a lot. Music can drive out the noise inside my mind and it can release my frustration built inside. I never thought of music as a way of escaping my anxiety disorder. The fact that I can actually rely on you and other forms of art to cope makes me smile a little. Maybe simple things are not easy for me sometimes, but it doesn't mean I can't be my best person.

Tomorrow might not be another today. I know that. For whatever today was worth though, I'm grateful for it. And seriously, although no problems got solved, we're OK. Tomorrow is another day without any mistakes in it yet (L.M. Montgomery).

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